Superficiality

There is something about society that seems to create a pressure to not have feelings, to not trust people, to not be honest and upfront with others, and to pretend to be and say and feel whatever it is we think society expects of us. There are *very* few people in my life that I trust that what they say and how they act is 100% who they are. That is the foremost thing that attracted me to Anthony - if he is happy or sad or angry or wants to do or say something, he just does. I confess sometimes I try to stifle that and ask that he not be so transparent, but in my more introspective moments, I envy his lack of inhibitions. At parties, when people are being nice to you though their motives are suspect, I can't help but get annoyed. If we like people or dislike people, why can't we just be honest about it? I'm not saying we should be rude or ignore people we don't mesh with, but what's with all the pretending? I confess I do it too, but sometimes I just want to drop the act. On one hand, it's nice when people put on a pleasant front with others, but on the other hand, that makes it hard to know who your real friends are sometimes. I often wonder if people actually like me, or just pretend because it's easier or what's expected of them. I feel a lot of my relationships are comprised of a lot of lies, lies about what we like, what we want to do, who we want to hang out with... I have addressed this before, and I'll address it again - why can't we just say what we feel?

I have always liked the poem "We Wear the Mask" by Paul Laurence Dunbar, and not just because it's trendy and emo. I think almost everyone I know feels they can relate to that - why confess pain or confusion or any other emotion that shows weakness when you can't trust the people around you? At a party this weekend, I certainly felt like all but a select few were wearing masks, and I can't help but let that get to me. I was constantly worried if someone was judging my dancing, or critiquing my jokes, or chatting with me just because they felt they needed to. Though I don't think drinking is the answer, I confess I do like its ability to drop inhibitions and just let people be who they are. Very few carry on charades while buzzed, and I confess I love parties for that reason. I just wish it was ok to be like that all the time - to admit pain or sadness, to trust the people around you are there because they like you, to not have to put on a false front that creates an illusion of the person you think they want you to be. As I sit here and type this, I do wonder what it takes to change that. I can only hope that as the years go by, Anthony's fearlessness and inability to be self-conscious will rub off on me.

We Wear the Mask
We wear the mask that grins and lies
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes
This debt we pay to human guile
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile
And mouth with myriad subtleties
Why should the world be over-wise
In counting all our tears and sighs
Nay, let them only see us while we wear the mask
We smile, but oh great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet and long the mile
But let the world dream otherwise
We wear the mask