Gripe of the Month

Etiquette.  A lot of people seem to think that is an outdated notion, harking back to the days where men were always the breadwinners and women the fairer, weaker sex.  Back to when men stood up whenever a woman came to or left the dinner table.  Back to when women had no rights, and securing a husband was the only acceptable goal in life.  But etiquette is not just old-fashioned notions of hiding all your feelings under generous servings of politeness and adhering to societal pressures against your will.  I hate to do it because I hated it so when it was happening, but I have to credit my parents for raising me to respect manners and try to act in the proper way in any situation.  And I like to think I do ok, but I've said it before, and I'll say it again.  America's manners are in the crapper.  I consider that a fact, not a matter of opinion.  So here it how it relates to me...

We built a house last year.  Yes, we are very lucky to own a house at such a young age in this economy.  Yes, we're even luckier that our first house was new and custom-built for us.  And yes, we scraped and saved and went without for a couple years saving up for a good down payment.  And yes, the year after we bought the house was rough, still saving every penny to buy the necessary furniture for the house and paying off some of the bills.  We know we're lucky and we appreciate it, but yeah, we had to be very financially resourceful and responsible to get it.  We knew what we wanted and we worked towards that goal.  Though the house was *very* attractively priced for a new construction in these parts, it was not just given to us.  So as it happens, partly because of our age and marital status, we tend to have the best living situation of many of our friends.  I also am a tad bit OCD, so the house is normally well cared-for and relatively spotless.  So, those are the facts.  We have a beautiful, custom house that is clean and hospitable, and we very much enjoy entertaining in it, having friends over, making our guest rooms available, sharing what we can.  We never boast or brag about what we have, we never talk condescendingly about our friends who live in apartments, we never draw attention to any mess we see in someone else's house, and we never insist on hosting all parties at our house because it's the "best" or "nicest" or anything.  We understand that not everyone has dual incomes to help pay for a house, not everyone wants a house at this age, not everyone wants to live in the suburbs, and not everyone has my standards of cleanliness.  Of all the things I am tempted to judge people about, those are not high on my list.

But for whatever reason, it seems everyone else we know seems to think it's open season on our house and our lifestyle.  I cannot tell you the last time we had a guest over that walked in, said nothing about the house or even said something polite like "oh, this is a nice place."  That just doesn't happen.  Apparently, in this day and age, we're allowed to say whatever we want, whenever we want, to whomever we want.  I'm sorry, but I think it is absolutely appalling manners to walk in and just start criticizing everything in sight.  I don't care if that's not the sink you would have chosen, or appliances, or flooring, or landscaping, or showers or whatever.  I don't care if you think a laundry room is a waste of space or bedrooms should only be big enough to fit a bed and dresser.  I don't care if you think I have too many shoes, or don't like my shower curtain.  Why is it ok to walk in and announce those things, jokingly or not?   And I really, really, really, really, really don't care if you think wiping down the kitchen counters every night or having a clean bathroom is a waste of time.  I didn't make you pay for the house, and I don't ask to you to clean it, so you don't really get a say.  You can think whatever you want, by all means.  I'm just saying it is NOT OK to speak your mind when you have nothing nice to say.  For most of my friends, I think their use of money is a little irresponsible.  I think they go out to eat 2-3 times a day, they don't shop for bargains, whatever, but I certainly don't criticize their tiny apartments because I think they can afford better if they tried.  And I certainly would never walk into a friend's house and say something like "Wow, ever heard of a duster?!?"  As long as it's within non-hazardous range, I assume people are living in the place they want in a living style that is comfortable for them.  So why is it ok to spout off on the opposite?!  If you don't like my house or my cleaning style, don't always hang out at my house!!!!!!!  I feel I go out of my way to make my guests feel comfortable, I am sure to have plenty of food and beverage around, I make the guest beds and put out clean towels, I don't follow people around with a vacuum or wipe, and as long as they're not pouring red dye all over my carpet, I keep my mouth shut about any incidental messes and just pick up when everyone is gone.  I don't know when it became acceptable to try to force your opinions and lifestyle on others!!!

We do have friends that live in a much bigger house, with a much bigger yard, a gorgeous pool, and many other perks!  Yeah, I would also like to have a pool, and dogs, and two stairways leading up to the master suite, and a walk-in-closet as big as my bathroom.  I also wouldn't mind being a housewife so I could really keep up with the cleaning.  But that's not where we are in life, and I don't begrudge our friends their "mansion" or living conditions.  I "ooh and ahh" over the parts I like and express admiration for their abode and lifestyle.  It is not my place to be jealous or judge the choices they made to get them there.

It actually reminds me a lot of religion in this day and age.  Tolerance is trumpeted from the highest towers, and all religions and beliefs are to be fully accepted.  A person is allowed to worship their own armpit hair, and heaven help the person who dares speak up or mock them for it.  EXCEPT!!! for Christianity.  Maybe it has gotten a bad rap over the decades, but whatever.  Just because you worry a religion that excludes you is dangerous doesn't mean it does not fall under the same tolerance umbrella.  So, you may be jealous of my house, you may have different priorities than keeping your house spotless at all times, whatever...I can't speak up against your mess or tiny apartment, so you don't get to speak up about mine.

This turned into a very long rant, but I'm just sick of it.  It has gotten so bad that we have pretty much stopped having people over or hosting parties, and that saddens me since we built the house with that express purpose in mind.  And the people that criticize are people that ask to have parties there, ask to come over, ask to spend the night!!  So if they like it enough to want to be there, where does all the hate come from?!?  And I know we can be blind to our weaknesses and flaws, but I know I'm OCD and I go overboard not enforcing my views on others.  Seriously, it would be one thing if I followed people around cleaning up after them or asked people to wash their own dishes.  Or if I asked people to chip in or donate for the cost of using our house for a party.  But as long as we're paying for the house and doing the upkeep, I don't see how anyone else gets a vote.

In rereading this for errors, I hear how harsh this sounds.  So a clarification... I love having people over to my house, family, friends, acquaintances.  I enjoy when people express pleasure about some design choice we made, or think our guest sink is hilarious.  And if you're a really good friend, you can make a joke about how I still have a stuffed Piglet on the bed (though you will be subjected to the sentimental reasons why).  Or how it took us an embarrassingly long time to hang up curtains.  I am talking about inappropriate and not well-meaning comments, clearly spouted off out of spite or perhaps jealousy.  I actually feel really bad when I find out later people were not comfortable at my house for whatever reason, so it pains me when people do not feel welcome or make disparaging comments about the house.  I live for my friends and family, and it makes me cry when they come to my home and criticize everything I worked so hard for.